The Lost Art of Civility
Civility is the ability to talk respectfully with people who disagree with you. Civility in society is waning. In fact, one can make the argument that it no longer exists or, at least, incivility has affected many segments of society and increasingly, people act uncivilly towards others when involved in a discussion that turns into an argument and which can even lead to a violet reaction. A casual conversation might turn ugly and lead to fisticuffs—a physical fight or confrontation, typically involving punching or striking with the hands, and even knockout punches in street fights, where powerful strikes incapacitate an opponent, often rendering them unconscious.
Americans need to learn how to disagree with one another without being disagreeable. This entails not shouting one down when differences of opinion exist. We have, for some time now, seen this on college campuses. We could make the case that it is the result of passionate debating. We could say it’s part of creating a learning environment. However, it can be taken to harmful extremes.
I’ve seen this occur on colleges campuses. A case in point are instances where speakers are interrupted by loud protests or chants, preventing them from delivering their message. A notable example is the violent interruption of Charles Murray’s speech at Middlebury College on March 2, 2017, where protesters clashed with attendees. During his lecture, hundreds of students protested, chanting and disrupting the event, which escalated into a confrontation that resulted in injuries to a faculty member.
Since 2017, the rhetoric has been ratcheted up several notches. We see it every day encounters, political discussions turned contentious, workplace incivility, fights on school campuses, and even violence between passengers on an airplane.
Importance of Civility
I have blogged before about the lost art of civility. It is essential that we regain civility in society if we are to overcome the political divisions that underly much of incivility in America today.
According to Alison M. Cheperdak, the founder of Elevate Etiquette, civility is important because:
- Social Glue: Civility acts as a form of social glue, connecting individuals and fostering a sense of belonging.
- Constructive Engagement: Engaging in civil discourse can lead to uncomfortable but necessary conversations, promoting understanding and cooperation.
- Conflict Prevention: Civil behavior can prevent conflicts from escalating into toxic dysfunction, maintaining a healthier community.
Civility in the U.S. is worse today compared to 10 years ago, according to 85% of respondents to the American Bar Association’s Survey of Civic Literacy 2023.
A significant number of respondents attribute the decrease in civility to social media, media, and public officials, and believe that family and friends and public officials should be primarily responsible for improving civility in our society.
Just 6% of respondents said that civility in today’s society is better than it was 10 years ago. When asked what is responsible for “eroding civility in our society,” the majority of respondents answered as follows:
- social media (29%),
- media (24%),
- and public officials (19%).
The majority of respondents said that friends/family (34%), public officials (27%), and community leaders (11%) should take the lead in improving civility. Ninety percent said that instilling civility in children begins with parents and family.
Restoring Civility to Society
The vast majority of Americans (72%) desire to be a part of the solution in restoring civility to Americans, according to a study released by the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation and Institute’s (RRPFI) Center on Civility and Democracy. America faces a deepening divide that threatens our shared foundations. Where we once emphasized our common values and aspirations, many Americans now define themselves primarily by opposition to their fellow citizens. This polarization plays out daily across social media, news coverage, and political discourse, making it increasingly difficult to have constructive dialogue or pursue solutions that benefit the whole nation.
The Reagan Center held a forum on July 28, 2026, in conjunction with America’s 250th birthday. One conclusion is that “America faces a deepening divide that threatens our shared foundations. Where we once emphasized our common values and aspirations, many Americans now define themselves primarily by opposition to their fellow citizens. This polarization plays out daily across social media, news coverage, and political discourse, making it increasingly difficult to have constructive dialogue or pursue solutions that benefit the whole nation.”
The major findings of a survey conducted by the Center are:
- Three-quarters (73%) of Americans believe that we “tolerate outrageous and uncivilized behavior by elected officials” more today than in the past.
- Yet more than eight out of 10 Americans (83%) expect government leaders to find common ground across political lines. These expectations are not just generalized but extend to their own elected officials.
- 72% of Americans are interested in being a part of the solution to restore civility and find common ground, and wish their elected officials will be too.
Despite today’s divide, 71% of respondents believe it’s possible to find common ground on most issues. The survey revealed that most people (69%) affirm the values set forth in the U.S. Constitution.
Key Techniques for Civil Disagreement
In writings about ways to regain the civility highroad, Alison M. Cheperdak, says that the important techniques are:
- Active Listening: Show genuine interest in the other person’s perspective.
- Stay Focused on Ideas: Critique the idea, not the individual.
- Use “I” Statements: Express personal feelings or thoughts to avoid sounding accusatory.
- Seek Common Ground: Identify shared values or goals to foster a collaborative atmosphere.
These methods can transform potentially heated discussions into productive dialogues, promoting mutual respect and understanding.
Conclusions
According to Psychology Today, “Continuous conflict about anything, including political views, can lead to stress, resentment, and a feeling of being unheard or unvalued in the relationship.” Over time, these negative feelings can chip away at even the strongest relationships. The only way to solve this problem is to truly listen to people, not just hear them. We need to listen to understand, not only to respond.
Free speech is protected by the First Amendment, but with freedom comes responsibility. As we celebrate America’s 250th, it is beyond time to halt the decline of civil discourse and to reject disrespectful behavior. Productive exchanges of ideas enhance civility in America and can serve as a role model for adolescents and teenagers in their developmental years. We need to do this sooner rather than later because the negative effects of social media on our children and young adults, indeed all of society, are increasing exponentially as a result of the harmful images and offensive language online.
I agree with Cheperdak that in a divided era, treating others with courtesy, curiosity and restraint can feel almost radical. Yet, those qualities are what allow a diverse society to function. Democracy depends on free speech ad depends on the character with which we use it.
Blog posted on August 18, 2026, by Steven Mintz, professor emeritus from Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. You can contact Steve at: smintz@calpoly.edu. Visit his website to find out more about his activities.